On a mountain surrounded by cattle, I called my friend, Yin, for some advice on an idea I’d entertained for the better part of the week. Should I go to the TEDxWomen event happening in Albuquerque? The thought of going to a live TED Talk intrigued me because I’d on-and-off binge watched TED Talks, but there was only one speaker on the roster who piqued my interest. Yin reminded me that the purpose of my travels was to experience new things and kindly helped me purchase a ticket since I didn’t have any mountaintop internet. The next morning, I quickly showered amidst curious calves trying to look as city presentable as possible and headed down the mountain and back to Albuquerque.
For those who may be unfamiliar with TED Talks, TED stand for Technology, Entertainment, and Design. People who are selected to speak get up to 20 minutes to share something interesting. The end result culminates into a Toastmaster’s dream! The ‘x’ part of TEDx means it’s “independent” and signifies that it is a spinoff under the TED umbrella (check out www.TED.com). There are many TEDx organizations all around that put on events. There may be a local TEDx group in the city you live in. The fact that it was a TEDxWomen event was just icing on the cake. The speakers for this event were all going to speak on issues related to women!
Somehow, I ended up sitting at the same table as Brandy Montaño, the very person I was interested in seeing. Brandy was to speak on female identity in masculine presenting women. It turned out that Brandy’s talk was more than interesting. I was moved to tears listening to her speak as I could identify with just about every story she told. “THAT’S ME! THAT’S MY LIFE!” I kept repeating in my head. For the first time in my life, I’d met someone “like me”--someone who believed that you don’t have to rid yourself of your female identity while presenting masculine. I can’t even explain how amazing it was to hear someone so eloquently lay out countless thoughts I’d had but could never express in words. Listen to Brandy at 3:51:10 (click here).
Brandy speaking on female identity in masculine presenting women
Brandy and I after the talks
Female Identity As A Masculine Presenting Woman
One of the most challenging parts of my journey towards self-understanding thus far has been navigating gender presentation. It’s challenging because I don’t follow societal norms for gender. I identify as female and mostly wear men’s dress shirts and pants. I keep my hair short and have a fairly small chest. Sometimes, I like to dress it up with a nice neck tie and freshly polished shoes. When people look at me, they might have a few common reactions which include: thinking I’m a man, thinking I’m a woman, or having a short or extended moment of confusion about “what I am” which either culminates into people deciding to not act on their confusion or deciding to engage in rude or offensive behaviors.
On many occasions during my life, I’ve been advised that the easiest way to avoid gender confusion was to change my appearance. In essence, I should only wear clothing designated for women. However, dressing “like a woman” has major consequences for me. The first is that I don’t find clothing marketed to women to be aesthetically pleasing for the most part. To me, it’s like wearing an ugly holiday sweater all year around. The second is that how I dress plays a huge part in my personal confidence. As confidence is sometimes hard to come by, it seems wasteful to throw it away by simply wearing the wrong clothes. I choose enjoyment and confidence over societal expectations for the way I dress.
The way I dress has little bearing on anything else besides that it is just how I choose to dress. It doesn’t change who I am, my beliefs, or my aspirations. It doesn’t mean I want to be a man or act like a man or be treated like a man or assume any gender roles performed by men. It doesn’t mean I’m butch or am attracted to femmes. It doesn’t mean I identify as transgendered. It doesn’t mean I want to engage in misogyny, sexism, or am less vulnerable to sexual assault. And NO, I never want to hear your story about how you’re proud that you assaulted another woman, but thanks for telling me so I can stay the F*** AWAY FROM YOU!
In my ideal world, I would like to just been seen as myself in a similar way that my longstanding friends have an understanding of who I am. However, that kind of understanding takes time, and who has time these days? What we are left with are an arsenal of assumptions, expectations, and societal indoctrination to fall back on in lieu of discovering ourselves and each other.
Traveling As A Gender Non-Conforming Person
Travel for a gender non-conforming person can be extremely difficult and even dangerous to the point where gender non-conforming individuals may choose to not travel at all. This is because gender transgression seems to put people at so much unease that the chance they will react in violence is a real possibility. From having an awkward conversation to outright murder, gender non-conforming individuals face a myriad of challenges which are only heightened when going to new places.
In the following sections, I’m going to share some situations I find myself in, and how you can help make my life and other gender non-conforming people’s lives a little easier.
The Public Restroom
Do you ever panic the moment you realize you will need to use a public restroom? Yes? Have you ever paced nervously outside the bathrooms wondering which one you should enter? Oh yes, me too! Have you ever waited in a bathroom stall waiting for everyone to leave the bathroom before you bolt out the door hoping no one walks in at the exact same time you walk out? No? You’re very brave.
In general, I hate using public restrooms. Every time I decide to use a restroom in public I have to decide whether the trouble is worth the relief. My greatest fear is that when I use the women’s bathroom, some woman is going to freak out, and result in someone else coming in and beating the crap out of me for using the wrong restroom. My reality is that more often than not, when I go into the women’s restroom, women will do anything from stare at me to verbally confront me about being in the wrong bathroom. I’ve had people see me coming out of the bathroom as they are walking in and slowly back up to and glance at the sign to check they were going into the restroom of their choice. I’ve had a little boy in the women’s restroom ask his mom why there was a man in the women’s restroom—I refrained from asking him why he was in the women’s restroom. One time, I was at a gym with my brother and we split off to change in our respective changing rooms (which were empty), and another female followed me in and pretended to do something at the sink waiting for me to get out of the stall. As soon as I got out of the stall, we made eye contact and I immediately introduced myself to prevent further stupidity and told her it was cool we both happened to have the same name. I watched her leave and make her way over to her friend to presumably report her findings.
The stories go on and on…and my frustration with using the women’s restroom keeps mounting. I’ve spent a very long time trying to come up with the best comeback lines to these reactions in the restroom and I’ve even read other people’s compiled lists of ways to handle it, but in the end, all I really want is to be able to pee in peace without having to explain myself.
How to help someone pee in peace:
1) Bring a friend—I find that having another person in the bathroom who acknowledges I belong there to be rather helpful in putting other people at ease.
2) Don’t worry about it—If you see someone in the bathroom and you can’t figure out their gender, don’t worry about it. Obviously, nothing should trump your sense of personal safety, but if they aren’t bothering others or engaging in unwanted behavior, most likely they are just there to relieve themselves and are probably just as worried about their safety as you are of your own.
Pronouns Preference
One time I was ordering food at a counter and the cashier said, “Sir…” then hesitated and followed it up with, “ma’am…whatever…” and left it at that. I don’t know about you, but it didn’t fill me with warm fuzzies to be dismissed as a “whatever”. Whatever it is I am, I am a fellow human being. Not being able to decipher my gender does not give you an excuse to be rude.
While pronouns are less important to me and I don’t always take the time to correct people if they use male pronouns when referring to me, using the correct pronouns in addressing other people can be very important. Regardless whether an individual has a preference for specific pronouns, all people deserve to be treated respectfully.
How to navigate pronoun preferences:
1) Use gender neutral pronouns—Don’t know which pronouns to use? Well, you don’t have to use gendered pronouns at all! Just refer to them by their name. It will even help you remember their name if you say it more often. You can also use they/them pretty safely if you really need to use pronouns.
2) Clarify which pronouns a person prefers in a kind manner—If the person has not given you any indication of which pronouns to use, you can always find a way to ask which they prefer. Don’t ask them if they are a boy or girl, and certainly don’t say “what are you?”
3) Don’t make a big deal if you accidentally use the wrong pronoun—Sometimes the wrong pronoun slips out because our brains have spent so long recognizing specific gender cues. If you use the wrong pronoun, gently apologize and be more cognizant in the future. Don’t make it into a big deal because I don’t want to deal with your deal. I’m pretty sure most people will be appreciative that you care about using the pronouns they prefer.
Creating Safe Space
No matter where I am, I always find myself testing the waters to figure out whether it’s safe to be my gender non-conforming self. I spend a lot of energy doing this and frankly, it’s tiring. When I’m traveling, finding safe places to be myself becomes increasingly more important as I lack my regular social support and places where I’ve already established are safe.
I don’t have many helpful tips on how to help create safe spaces for gender non-conforming people traveling around, but, I can tell you it has felt incredible to meet people in my travels who were nothing but kind and welcoming and who either explicitly or implicitly communicated to me that they had no issues with how I presented myself. I am grateful for all the wonderful people who have taken the time to get to know this stranger. Peace.
With that, let me share with you something that shows how half of us have been doing gender wrong since the advent of handheld writing utensil known as the pen.
